When I was a teenager my youth group went away for a weekend retreat to a place called Prayer Mountain in KY. We were excited to go and hang out with friends and do pranks, all of the normal teenage stuff. We actually had the worst shaving cream/vaseline battle of all time. It took me almost a week to get all of the vaseline out of my hair. It was wild!
The other thing I distinctly remember is a youth pastor named Dusty Wilson that came to speak to our group. He came to talk to us about trust. Looking back as my time as a Youth Pastor, I realize that trust is an issue at an early age. We learn concepts and coping skills around trusting and not trusting at a very young age. As a matter of fact, to have the trust of another person is a huge deal. So Dusty was hitting the nail on the head speaking to us about trust. It was very impactful!
However, as impactful as it was I honestly do not remember a ton of what he said. LOL! I know, I know...how can it be so impactful but me not remember what he said? Well, it was so impactful because I remember what he did. Have you ever heard of a “trust fall”? At that point in my life, I had not. Dusty positioned us in 2 lines across from each other but facing one another. Our arms were staggered with the person across from us having an arm between our arms. It was like that all the way down the line. Next, Dusty who was not a super thin guy stands on a chair and turns his back to us. I remember thinking to myself, “there is no way he is going to trust a bunch of teens to catch him”. I thought “I know these guys and girls and there is no way I would trust them to catch me”.
As I looked back on that night I realized that trust was (maybe still is) a major issue for a lot of people including me. As an adult now married with four amazing kids I see where trust can be super delicate and if broken very difficult to piece back together. The thing that jumps out to me as I look over my life is that in moments where trust has been broken, abused or just misunderstood, inevitably it causes an unhealthy introspection to take place. I know that may not make sense. If someone else breaks my trust, why would I look at myself as the issue? The reason is that when I can’t trust someone else I place all of the weight, good or bad on my shoulders. I grew up around people who would say as a badge of honor “I don’t trust anyone but me!”. So, that became the way of life. You learn what you live.
What happened, was that thought process pushed me away from community and the belief that people deserved the benefit of the doubt. I also began to believe that if something was going to get done then I had to do it. After all, I can’t trust anyone but me. This was totally unhealthy. When it would go wrong it was all my fault, when it would go right it was never good enough. It was a tragic cycle connected to trust or the lack thereof. It even affected the way I approached Yahweh…
I was meditating on the life of Abraham the other day and this question came to me. What kind of trust did Abraham have in Yahweh to be willing to lose both of his sons? I won’t take time to expound on the whole story. You can find it in Genesis chapters 21 and 22. The synopsis is this...Abraham is really old but Yahweh has promised that he would have an heir to carry on his legacy but his wife was barren. After a bad decision to try and make the promise come to pass in his own power Abraham has a son with a servant girl named Hagar. The son’s name was Ishmael. Some years after the birth of Ishmael, Sarah, Abraham’s wife gives birth to Isaac the promised one. Here is where trust comes in. Abraham has to send Ishmael away forever because he was not the promised one. He was his son, however.
I can’t imagine what Abraham felt. This boy who carries my name looks like me and is my flesh and blood has to leave and I may never see him again. What is so crazy to me is that God confirms this as the right decision. So Abraham has to send Ishmael away because Yahweh said it was the right thing to do.
Let me just say I stopped trying to make sense of some of this stuff a long time ago. What I know is that God’s ways are not my ways and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. During this time Yahweh was forming His people and the times were different. The other thing I know is that Abraham felt the pain of sending His son away because we are told that in the bible.
What happens next is beyond my comprehension. In chapter 22 of Genesis God asks Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac. This is a game-changer because Isaac IS the promised one. Again I have no good answer as to why God would ask this, but He did. What’s more, Abraham said yes to the request from Yahweh. What kind of trust did Abraham have in Yahweh to be willing to lose both of his sons? Better yet what kind of encounters did Abraham have with Yahweh to produce that kind of trust. It is truly remarkable to think about. One New Testament writer said in Hebrews 11:19 the Passion translation “Abraham’s faith made it logical to him that God could raise Isaac from the dead…”! In other words, Abraham’s Faith/Trust in Yahweh made what was seemingly illogical totally logical. That blows my mind. What was Abraham’s relationship with Yahweh like to produce that kind of trust?
Here is what I am learning and absolutely do not have completely figured out:
Yahweh is well acquainted with me (my dreams, my hopes, fears, and my level of faith/trust)
My dreams do not scare Him
Yahweh is completely trustworthy
I need to have good self-awareness
I must trust someone MORE than I trust myself
I am not capable of holding the weight of what Yahweh wants to do in and through me alone. I have to trust and be vulnerable even when it is uncomfortable. A friend of mine received a word for 2020...If you will embrace being uncomfortable with God you will be unstoppable!!!
Yahweh, give me the grace to have continual encounters with you where the seemingly illogical becomes totally logical!
By the way, Dusty crossed his arms closed his eyes and fell right into our arms. Guess what? We caught him! That was the night I will forever remember as the trust fall
-Ryan S. Bain