Joy, sadness, anger, fear, and disgust. For some people, what may come to mind are cute little cartoon characters. For others, you may be feeling a bit squeamish as you continued through the list. These are the five emotions we all experience, and when we are in the middle of some of them they are certainly less than a Disney-esque image. And when these more difficult emotions arise, it can be challenging to bring them to the surface and process them in a community.
Honestly, ask yourself: when someone is super angry or has been facing an ongoing sadness for months how do you process it? This past year I watched a lot of people within my church family face difficult times in their lives... It’s these times that can either bring people together or tear them apart.
A few years ago, my favorite passage in the Bible was Psalm 77. It begins like this: “I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands, and I would not be comforted.” The next seven verses continue on in this manner wrapping up with, “Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”
Checking in again, how do you feel listening to those verses? For some people, it may sound a bit depressing. For others, you may be saying, “I’ve definitely been there.” Or maybe you are there! For people who aren’t there, as much as you want to listen, sometimes it can be difficult to not squirm under the weight of the emotion and what do we do when our own discomfort is aroused? We want to see a person’s pain end. We can end up commiserating with them or we can rush to bring the solution. How does this help them? How do we learn to hold the tension between valuing someone’s emotion while still holding hope?
Clearly there is a place for pain. The psalms are littered with iterations on the subject. Scripture tells us repeatedly in this life we will have trouble (Jn. 16:33). So why is it so difficult to be open with that pain we carry? Pain and sadness often feel like very isolating emotions.
A few years ago, I began to venture through scripture asking the question of how we as a community can better love people in the midst of pain. It led me to look at my life experiences to see the different things I’ve been told while in pain. I’ve had recommended to me more than once, a passage from Ezekiel 37. If you’re unfamiliar, it’s the one where Ezekiel sees a valley of dry bones and God tells him to speak to them and they are made into an army that comes to life. Most of the time people say, you’ve got to speak to your situation in order to see it change. Yet when I looked back at this passage, after this vision, God gives some clear instructions and then begins to explain what it means. He says, “Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’”
This vision, this call to speak to the dry bones was the result of the people crying to God and essentially saying that life has lost hope for them. I wonder if nothing had been cried out if this vision would have ever occurred? Science now shows that emotions are the first thing our brain experiences, before thought or action. If we never find the space to vocalize what we feel, how can God bring the healing we need? Sure, he can hear our thoughts and He knows our hearts, but there is something about vocalizing what we are feeling.
God, I believe, will often use community to facilitate the healing process. It’s why it is so important for us to be safe people: non-judgemental, supportive, and empathetic. I can say I’ve seen a lot of amazing people learning to create such spaces, but I more so write because we can all improve in this. As someone pursuing a career in counseling, there are still moments when I have to remind myself of this- how do I posture myself to listen and to support someone in the midst of their pain or anger.
So here are some practical tips on creating a safe environment in the faith community.
When someone is first sharing with you, your main role is to listen. There will be time to problem solve, and add commentary later. Most of the time, if someone is choosing to share with you, it’s because they trust you’ll hear them out. It can be tempting to want to sympathize by sharing your own story about what’s happened or what you’re going through, but when someone is sad or angry they often need a place to be heard. Hold the commentary. In relationships, there will certainly be time for you to share as well.
Ask if they want to problem-solve or just share. This may be a close follow up once the conversation begins. If you’re busy trying to figure out what they need to do, it’s going to be difficult to be present enough to empathize.
Ask Holy Spirit for guidance. A lot of the time we can want to rush in with an idea of how a conversation should go.
In Acts, the early church shared everything. Their physical needs were met but there is also a strong relational component I see as well being at play. Going back to the elusive film I cited earlier, the bulk of the film sadness is seen as doing something wrong. When the realization is made that sadness actually brings people together and brings relief to the pain. It’s a great picture of what the church is called to be: a place where the burdens and pains of life become lighter.
-Alyssa Clary